Today was a relatively average day. My 1010 English Lit. teacher told me never begin any journal,blog, person recollection with "today." Something about it sounding so "cliched."
Ended up going to work around 12:05. Just in time for the lunch rush. I hate retail sales, I can't wait to finish up my degree. Feeling very sleep deprived and, alternatively over caffeinated. Just found out alternatingly [sic] wasn't a word.
I'm skipping around a lot because I can't focus.
I wrote a letter to my ex-fiance, well half of a letter. I may never finish it, but it felt pretty good to get some of the emotions out.
Luke who is my current flame/bane of my existence texted me this gem today
Luke:?
Luke: I give up.
I didn't reply to the original "?" because I was at work. Which I supposed prompted the part about giving up.
I did finally reply.
Me: You give up? Seriously? Stop acting so damn innocent.
I didn't expect a response, I wasn't disappointed in my expectations.
*edit*
Letter to Joey. Like I said it isn't finished...
Dear Joey,
I debated with myself for months before sitting down and writing this. I felt like you deserved some answers and explanations and above all an apology. I’m not sure exactly what to say, or what you want to hear. My intentions of writing this letter aren’t those of personal gain, or to cause you distress.
I cleaned out my email inbox a few days ago, and I read all the emails between us. It made me sick to my stomach to see how egotistic and cruel I had become. After what I went through with you, I cannot articulate an apology that comes close to the remorse I feel.
“you were there for me like an angel for a while and I will always be thankful for that, I needed you. But why did it stop? Why did you file me away? I don't understand what's going on in your life that made you push me away to the point of me throwing my hands up, but I can't drive myself crazy wondering about that anymore. You can't just go full force then shut down and expect things to stay the same and for me to pretend like everything has been okay all along. I've tried expressing that so many times, I thought I finally got through to you, but you ended up pushing me even further and further away.”
That is from the last email you sent me if you don’t recognize it. The final one, I never replied to. My explanation is lengthy and convoluted but I’m going to attempt to clarify it the best I can. I pushed you away because I hated myself and couldn’t accept someone loving me. Even someone that loved me as unconditionally as you. I was upset because I was losing you to something I couldn’t control and felt like I was failing because I couldn’t protect you. My life seemed to be falling apart and I wasn’t able to take the blame myself.Sincerely yours,
Jordan
*end edit*
So maybe I lied a little about the personal gain. Part of it was for closure. It isn't a lie if I never send it right?
-J
